Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Yes, Regrets.

I just popped away from my desk for a second to go get some cereal from the deli across the street. I mainly went because i'm hungry but i also wanted to find out what movie is filming out there. I saw the familar trailers, vans, and craft services setup when i was on my way in and i felt a slight twinge of longing...

So i get to the deli and as i was paying for my Honey Nut Cheerios, i casually asked the check out girl, "So what are they filming out there?".

"oh just some George Clooney movie," she says.


Oh my way out, I lingered for a few beats to take in the all-too-familiar scene: A production asssitant keeping all non-essential people away from the area where the next scene is to take place; a camera assistant gingerly checking his apparatus, two grips setting up some light poles, another PA on "fire watch", i.e. guarding the equipment while daydreaming about what they will get from the craft services truck for lunch.

The slight twinge in my gut flares into full-blown regret and sadness. I quickly walk away lest i be mistaken for some celebrity gawker. None of them would know that filmmaking was my life for almost two years.

I produced a short film called The Apologist and even got to see it premiere at the Raindance Film Festival. I've also worked on other feature films , television show pilots, and viral ad campaigns. It's noteworthy to me that I've always thought of myself as more of a performer: singing, dancing or acting. But when i was watching the goings-on outside my office building, i imagined myself as part of the crew and not in front of the camera. Definitely a significant change for me.

I can't even begin to describe what an exciting time in my life that was...as with most things in life, i appreciate it so much more after its over. Just the constant hustle and bustle, being out at night alot networking and meeting people. Creative juices flowing non-stop. Brainstorming with like-minded folk. Never knowing where you're going to be from day-to-day. Being a part of a real community that exists online and off. Struggling to keep the bills paid while hoping to land that next great project. Its a far cry from the routine of my current daily life.

Of course I'm happy to have a steady job and to have the opportunity to finally get out of debt, but knowing that there's so much more out there beyond this desk/prison...all I have to say is: I'll be back one day.


Jehan said...

prison/platform, regrets/realignment.

i tell myself we're only ever one perspective shift away from happiness, but it's hard to see the good thru cracked lenses and broken frames. s'funny how the heart craves what logic withholds.

imsayintho', logic got a point too. altho' desks and their creatively incarcerative environments are limiting, they can conversely serve as platforms back to wherever we wish to be (whether via additional finance, familial security, or just plain room-to-breathe for a coupla years).

regrets can be powerful too, particularly the more distant they fall into the past. hard as it can be (and mostly is, like a muthafukka), time away from our destiny-designated-for-dolo can be constructive too.

it never hurts to step back and get objective, get godly w/ the change (word to octavia olamino). just realigning thoughts and goals is something i try to flip.

whether this strategy is simply a veiled method of lying to myself is anybody's guess, tho'. watch this space/cell.

Damali said...

i totally agree that it's good to step back and gain objective/perspective and imma use this 'platform' wisely. But the fact still remains that this company is not what i really want to be giving my time/energy to. That is always gonna make my time here feel _indentured_, so to speak. But as we know, we gotta make sacrifices in order to live in peace. And i make sure to find some joy in working here each day.