Monday, December 17, 2007

2007 Recap.

This is new for me. I don't think i've ever really sat down and thought about a past year and written down reflections on it. Having a blog will do that to ya, i guess.

So much happened to me this year. Dizzying heights and depressing lows. Which is part of the reason that i constantly reject it when people say that i'm lucky. I'm no more lucky than anyone else. Just because i win stuff sometimes doesn't make me lucky. This year, as much as i've gotten some things that i wanted, i've also heartbreakingly lost other things that i wanted even more. Some of my musings from this year:

~You never realize how big this planet is until you spend 14 hours on a plane and have only flown 1/4 of the way around it. Wow.

~Japanese culture is the antithesis of American culture. While we both share a love of consumerism, our cultures are completely opposite in almost every other way. That surprised and delighted me. My trip to Japan opened me up in ways that i'm still learning about. After 7 months, I still think about that trip at least once a day.

~I ran a marathon!!! Never ever ever thought i would do that. ok i didn't run all the way and 5K ain't that damn far but still. my shins was hurting after like 5 minutes. But i finished. Van-glorious.

~In January, my children were not living with me. that seems so implausible now. I'm already so used to them being with me...i had hoped and dreamed back then that they'd be here now but i was so defeated by years of losing that i didn't really believe i'd ever win. This has taught me to never give up on what is important to me in life.

~I completed two semesters of college at New York University!!! This time last year, i was so terrified to go back to school after 13 years. I was worried that i wouldn't be smart enough, that the work would be too much for me...that i would drown....but so far, i made it! i love my school so much. i remember when i first moved to NYC area 12 years ago, i used to walk around NYU's campus wishing i went there...dying to see the inside of those ride the elevator in the get food in the student cafeteria. and now...i'm here. a student at one of the most respected universities in the world. sometimes i'll be talking to someone about being in school and its just all blah blah whatever. and then after a while they'll ask where i go to school. I say "NYU" and their whole face changes...they say wow! that's fantastic! look at you!! it always makes me feel good. Like i know what NYU means to me but i never cease to be amazed at how much it means to other people as well. another dream realized.

~Sometimes we meet people too soon. or at least i'd like to believe that. you see, to believe that would feed my delusion that the universe has somehow robbed me of the life i was supposed to have. that the universe dangled the ultimate carrot before me only to laugh and take it away. but deep down i know that is not true. i know that things happen when they are supposed to happen. what might be more true is that sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for a short time. we meet them when we need them, and they need us...we learn all we can from each other, then we part. they have other things to do and focus on. my time is up. if that is the truth, then one year was certainly not enough time for me to accept it. Maybe next year...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Today, I wanted to quit.

Today, as i walked down the street after my final exam, crying in the rain, i wanted to quit. i wanted to quit school. i'm pretty sure i barely passed the final, i made a fool of myself in front of my professor and the class by crying through half the damn test...what kinda idiot cries during an exam? i know i'm not gonna quit but i wanted to. i'm just so tired. tired of studying and tired of writing what i don't want to write. it's gonna take me at least 4 years to graduate. i've only finished one year and i don't know if i can make it...maybe i should just quit before i waste any more money...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Visa, You're Not Slick.

Dear Visa,

I want to talk about our relationship. Yes, I know you hate that, but hear me out. We’ve been together for a long time, and for the most part, I’ve been happy with you. You’ve been there for me in the tough times when I really needed you. But this stunt you pulled last week is just unforgiveable. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about…sneaking in another $3000 on my card in December? Just in time for the Christmas shopping season? Oh did you think I wouldn’t notice? You just want me to live it up so you can charge me a higher monthly payment, don’t you? How underhanded! How opportunistic!

In the past, I’ve overspent. True. But I’ve changed. So I’m going to beat you at your own game. I’m not spending a dime of that. In fact, I should be thanking you because your little greedy trick will actually improve my credit rating by lowering my balance owed ratio. So there.

But I’m still disappointed in you. You could have called or written to tell me of your plans, but no. You went behind my back. You thought i was donut; you tried to glaze me. Now I know that you never cared for me at all.