Friday, January 25, 2008

The Worst Feeling

You call someone you love and they answer the phone. Their voice is all chipper. Well not exactly chipper but at the least, upbeat. When you say hello and they realize it's you, their tone drops into a low and dejected "hey". All of the blood drains from your face. Your heart stops. You feel like you've been stabbed and punched simultaneously.

I always want to just hang up in that moment. Always. Just not even say another word and try to recover. And no matter how much the person claims that they aren't unhappy to hear from you, and that everything is ok, there's just no mistaking that split-second tonal shift. You can't fake that. or un-fake it. And the pain stays with you for days...

Perhaps someday soon I'll meet someone who's voice rises when they hear it's me. Perhaps. But i'm tired of being treated like a nuisance. Oh but i'm loved...gee thanks.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Office Haiku

All my good pens: gone
People leave the shitty ones.
Crazy glue next time....

The Value of Decision Making

I can't stand it when people don't want to make decisions. They are afraid to say A or B or C. Instead, they opt for just letting whatever happens happen. And of course, when that thing that happens isn't to their liking, they fucking complain.

It takes alot of courage to say "this is what i'm going to do and how i will handle it" and then stick to it AND accept the consequences of it. But instead, alot of people wait until the last minute until life FORCES them to make a choice...why not be in control of things yourself? Why wait until the choice is taken away from you or until you've fucked shit up so badly, you just have no options left? What the fuck is wrong with people?

Decisions give you purpose; direction. They can always be reshaped later. You can change course. But at least you START OFF on a particular course. As you are on that path, you may learn things or find out that it's not the right path, then you still have time to choose an alternate one. But to not choose anything is like not deciding whether you're going to turn left or right until you're in the middle of an intersection and you've caused a fucking accident.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


Sometimes my coworker enlists me for my eavesdropping services. i sit closer to her boss than she does and can sometimes hear phone convos. generally, i get a covert text message from Coworker asking 'Who is Boss talking to? what's being said?' Then i tune my highly trained ears onto the convo and report back via IM.

it's fun. i feel like a real spy. like on TV and movies.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Back to Life; Back to Reality

Even though i came to work during those days between Christmas and New Year's, it still felt like a vacation. I wore jeans, came in late, left early, didn't do hardly any damn work. It was great. Being back this week for really's hard to get back in the groove.

One of my coworkers who sits near me got engaged over the holidays. She's been dating her boyfriend for 7 years, waiting for him to propose for the last 2. i'm really excited for her. i hope i get invited to the wedding but i doubt i will. we're not close or anything. i guess i don't expect to be, but it will be a bit of a downer if i don't...i'll live. on second thought, it's probably better if i don't get an invite. cuz i know if i go, i'll feel happy for her but probably a little jealous...

it's bitterly cold in NY today. 10 degrees with windchills below zero. i barely remember how i got to work. i wore my big giant coat w/hood and all i did was get on the train, sleep, wake up, get off, get on the next train, sleep, wake up, get off...etc. i must have looked like a zombie between transfers.