Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I wonder if there are others.

Women who's children don't live with them.
Women who have fought and fought to no avail.
Women who have been treated unfairly by the courts.
Women who are humiliated by judges.
Women like me.

I wish i could talk to one. Just one. so she could share with me how to get thru this...i'm dying inside and no one can help. no one understands. every other mother i know gets to put her kids to bed every night and wake them up gently every morning.

Its been almost 6 years and my sons still don't live with me. And the longer they are not here, the harder it is to get them back. I see them alot but its not enough. I'm better at taking care of them; i'm better at loving and nurturing them. Milan is struggling in school and he needs more constant academic guidance than he can get from me twice a week. i'm so worried for him.

i feel sick inside. my head hurts. my heart hurts. if i'd known then what i know now, i wouldn't have moved out. i'd have stayed and fought and cried until he left me there with the kids. but i thought i was doing the right thing by moving out; putting an end to the constant arguments. but i didn't think it thru and it ended up costing me my kids. at the time, i had no idea. it didn't occur to me that i was making a bad decision. i really thought i was doing the best for them at the time. But today the judge made me feel like i had abandoned them. Like i didn't want them. I wanted to scream and yell at him and pound on his chest in protest. I did not abandon them!! But how can i make anyone understand what it was like back then? I barely understand...

i was young; still in my late 20s. too idealistic for my own good. i trusted my husband and didn't think he'd take me to court the way he did. how wrong i was.

like everyone does at some point, i wish i could go back in time and fix that mistake. but i can't. i know its my own fault...that's the hardest part to face. its one thing when life is unfair to you, but how does one recover in the face of their own fuck-ups? i know in my heart that i should keep fighting. i know they're better off with me but at the moment i can't find any strength at all.

this is the part where i'm supposed to talk on the phone to my best girlfriend and she's supposed to console me and tell me how everything is gonna be fine and tell me stories of all the strong women she knows...but i don't have that. i used to but they are gone. and i miss them. so many many regrets..

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