Tuesday, June 26, 2007


-I tend to completely ignore flat shoes. Other than flip flops, it never occurs to me to wear them. I see other women wearing them and they all look nice, but i've somehow convinced myself that the arch in my foot is too high to comfortably tolerate them. I must be wearing some sort of incline/heel. Mind you, no doctor has ever informed me of this. I just happen to subscribe to the same sort of intuitive pseudo-self-diagnosis that all intelligent + thinking people cling to. We just know.

-I've recently come to not one, but two startling realizations about myself. These now completely undermine my previous assertions that i'm above petty predjudices and that i love all people. I still do love 87% of all people, of course, but i've shamefully uncovered two exceptions: Obese people and beautiful little girls. The former predjudice is, sadly, understable and acceptable to most people. The latter probably appears bizarre and random but i will explain in a minute.

The obese: They completely annoy and disgust me. Now I'm not proud of this nor do i think it's right. I'm one of the biggest advocatesI know of when it comes to wanting people to respect each other, be compassionate and tolerant, etc. But when i'm on a train going to work and i can't sit in a seat because some person is occupying 1 1/2 times their allotted space, i'm annoyed. When i see an obese person walking and 2/3 of their body, not including their arms and legs, are moving in all different directions, i'm disgusted. It's so difficult for me to not make a frown...i probably do sometimes without even knowing it. I make up for this (or i think i do) by smiling at the person, oftentimes. I'm aware that they are probably in some sort of emotional pain that causes them to overeat or they simply don't know how to properly eat (or don't care?). But i can't control my inner reaction to it. It even makes me question their intelligence. I seriously wonder if i'd have a problem hiring someone who is obese. Of course I'd tell myself that they just happened to not be as qualified as XYZ Regular Body, but how would i know if deep down, my predjudice wasn't winning? (man, someone could easily take those last few sentences, replace the word obese with Black, and i'd be ready to vomit)

Beautiful little girls: ok this is actually kind of random and might not be a real "predjudice" per se. But i was surprised by my own reaction. Anyway i was on a train platform (in NYC 80% of interesting things happen on train platforms) and this woman comes up the stairs with her two children (they looked like her so i'm assuming they were hers). The woman was very short. She looked black but mixed with some other race maybe. dark skin. She had really long straight/wavy hair that flowed down her back so beautifully. Maybe already i was kinda jealous of her hair. Which is ridic cuz my hair is so dope right now. But this scenario always takes me back to my childhood when i hated my hair, so keep in mind that as i'm standing there evaluating them, i'm suddenly 8 years old again.. anyway...she's got this great hair, ok face. kinda weird chin/jaw...sorta elf-like. One of her daughters looked like a teenager. same complexion as "mom" but with way too much jel in her long-ish hair. same elf-life facial structure.

The other daugther was the "beauty". Light skin, cute, cheruby face with that long frizzy/curly hair that so many black boys adore. It was all the way down her back...in grade school, girls like her got all the attention from the boys. Which always, indirectly, made me feel ugly, jealous and inferior. The girl is standing on the platform, very close to and clinging to her mother...who happens to be constantly playing in the girl's hair. The girl is expressionless...not smiling at all. Which i found strange. Pretty little girls usually always smile, don't they? At least in my 8-year old delusions they did. So the train comes and we all pile on. They were standing a ways away from me but i couldn't help but sorta stare. they didn't notice at all so i was in the clear. The girl was so pretty that it was difficult not to keep stealing glances. But still no smiles. Then at one point, her mother whispers something in her ear and the girl laughs. Then i saw it. She had a TREMENDOUS overbite. Her smile changed the entire picture of her face, as if someone had lifted a veil. And shockingly, instead of feeling pity for her apparent "spoiled beauty", the 8-year-old girl within me felt relieved.


Piscean Princess said...

I'm feeling you (a little) on the flat shoe thing and (sadly) on the obesity thing.

I have flats, but mostly I am attracted to heels. I love my heels, but during the work week it's all about the loafers. But I have a closet (and a bedroom, and a hallway, and an entryway) full of heels.

I beat myself up about the obesity-prejudice all the time. I got it from my parents, who are not at all ashamed that they feel that way. I get mad at them for verbalizing their not-so-nice opinions about plus size folk. But when I see those same plus sizers, I have a very similar inner monologue going on.

You are quite random right now, it's true! It's fun, though. A lot better than the double shot of reality that you were dealing with last week. (you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. you did that last year with that poem...had me all worked up)

I am laughing at you for your relief that the pretty girl was in need of immediate orthodontic attention!!! I got a full visual at that point in the story. And I'm not mad at you for having the feelings you were having up until then.

And I'm glad you are back friends with your hair.

Piscean Princess said...

In an unexpected turn of events......I wore heels to work today & thought of you!

Damali said...

and strangely, i wore flip flops to work! all my work heels are under my desk tho.

that's interesting about your parents, but i think we shouldn't beat ourselves up over our thoughts. afterall, this isn't "1984"; there's no such thing as thought-crime, right?

and girl if you only knew how hard i try not to let all my gloom bleed into this blog. it's a struggle, i tell ya. I'm trying to keep things at least 75% fun around here :)