I'm trying to do work, but i can't. I can feel this bubble of anxiety growing at the bottom of my stomach. I'm doing my best to hold it back.
I haven't spoken to my children at all since Thursday. I've called and called and called their father's house all weekend and no one answers. I've called at least 10 times this morning. My son Milan has a cellphone that I bought for him, but it goes straight to voicemail. Which isn't unusual because he never turns it on. Even though i constantly admonish him to keep it on so that i can reach them.
Right now, i feel a mixture of fear, anger and sadness. The fear is probably the least. I'm sure they are ok. That's just some back-of-the-mind type shit. I'd say the anger is most prominent. I kinda feel angry at all of them. Angry at their father because he doesn't care at all if i speak to the children and most likely, directly or indirectly, prevents it. He enjoys torturing me in this way. He may have even sent them away to their grandma's without even telling me. Angry at the kids because maybe they have not tried to call me themselves. Or even thought of it. Or didn't try hard enough. Or didn't sneak to call when their dad wasn't in the room. I know it's wrong to be angry at them but emotions are that way; sometimes they are irrational but we feel them anyway.
I feel sad because Friday was the last day of school and they got their report cards. I have no idea what grades they got. I was looking forward to hearing their excited voices on the phone...proclaiming the start of their long-awaited summer...recounting tales of last-day-of-school class parties...lamenting their "just shy of an A" B- in Science class.
Tomorrow i'm supposed to pick them up. But i'm so worried he's going to call at some point and say "oh i forgot to tell you, they're out of town for the week". And there will be nothing at all that I can do.