It's Been A Long Time...

I'm sure every blogger experiences the feeling of having so much to say and then as a result, not being able to say/write anything. I've been there for the last two weeks. And even more than that, there's things that i want to write about that i simply cannot. Someone might not take too kindly to seeing it in print. So i have to respect people's wishes.

But i can say that this has been pissing me off for the last month or so. Leave her the fuck alone! I mean really! EVERY new mother makes mistakes. The rest of us are just lucky that we don't have cameras following us around when we do it. Hell, even experienced mothers make mistakes. You find me a mother that never accidently bumped her sleeping child's head on the doorframe while she was carrying him to bed or never bumped her elbow-height child accidently with said elbow while shopping. or never accidently poked her baby with a safety pin while changing a diaper or mending a shirt...those things happen. To all of us. Mothers and fathers alike. And i feel like this attack on Britney and her "bobbles" is just another way for people to feel better about themselves by hanging on the mistakes of celebrities. All you perfect motherfuckers make me sick. Fix your own shit!!

Lessons From Octavia, Page 2.

I started this a couple months ago and just kinda let it drop. So imma try harder to keep it going. The next Earthseed verse says:

God is Power--
infinite,
irresistible,
inexorable,
indifferent,
and yet, God is Pliable--
trickster,
teacher,
chaos,
clay,
God exists to be shaped.
God is Change.

Olamina continues on:

"This is the literal truth.
God can't be resisted or stopped, but can be shaped and focused. This means God is not to be prayed to. Prayers only help the person doing the praying, and then, only if they strenghten and focus that person's resolve. If they're used that way, they can help us in our only real relationship with God. They help us to shape God and to accept and work with the shapes that God imposes on us. God is power, and in the end, God prevails.
But we can rig the game in our own favor if we understand that God exists to be shaped, and will be shaped, with or without our forethought, with or without our intent."

Wow. I've said this in the past and i'll say it again: I've never believed in God the way the average person does. I've never believed God is a person (especially a man, please.) with human-like features or qualities that actually sits somewhere up high deciding to let this person win a gold medal in the Olympics or to give this person a winning lottery ticket or to wipe out an entire village with a tidal wave. If i am ever to believe in God, it would represent energy; an undefinable, unfathomable natural force. Its all around us all the time. And its pretty much exactly the way Octavia describes it in her Parable stories. Now that's a God that makes sense to me...

Anyway, back to the text. To me, what it's really saying is that we are in control of our lives. Completely and totally. That absolutely nothing happens to us that we haven't chosen in some way. Every decision or action we make is a choice and moves our lives forward in a certain direction...in each and every moment.

I can imagine there are some people that are unwilling to accept that. Mainly because it would deny them the opportunity to blame others for the state of their life. They would have to face the one thing they've always feared: accountability. I've had to deal with that issue myself. I've had to face certain things in my past and say to myself: No matter what happened to you, you chose every step you've taken in your life. You are, right now, where you chose to be. And that's a fucking bitter pill to swallow. But i do, every day.

But i don't want to just focus on the negative. There is hope and optimism in what Octavia has written. She's saying that we can make things in our lives the way we want them to be...that its within our power. That we have the ability to "rig the game in our own favor" by understanding and learning how to shape God. That if you stay on the Yellow Brick Road, it will definitely lead you to the Emerald City (ok i know i'm pushing it with that one)...but i'm sure the jist has been gotten.

Shape God and drive your life.

Another Bittersweet Mother's Day

If it weren't for me being a mother, i'd hate Mother's Day. Although i do love my mother, she's never been much of a mother to me at all. There was no guidance when i was young. From as far back as i can remember, she lived her life and i lived mine. I have no memories of help with homework, no shared life lessons or advice about anything... in fact, i've definitely done more to counsel, help and protect her than she ever has for me. Even to this day, she is not someone i can ever go to for advice.

I will give her credit for one thing tho: When i had my sons, she did surprise me by coming to stay with me for a week each time to help out...clean, cook, watch the baby while i sleep, etc. She definitely adores her grandchildren and has been helpful as far as when i need a babysitter, etc. And anytime that i've ever moved, she has come to help pack. I definitely appreciate all those things...i guess she's been more like a sister than a mother. But hey not all women take to motherhood in the same way. I can even say that i'm a better parent from having learned from her mistakes...

But anyway, my relationship with her is a constant struggle...for so many more reasons than i'm willing to list here. Other years, i've gone out of my way to get her a gift or a card for Mother's Day. I'm just not feeling it this time. I'm not angry with her at the moment but i just can't forget all the bad stuff from the past (and not-so-distant present)....

But I am looking forward to the wonderful crafts and cards the boys will make for me in school. Here's hoping they never discover Hallmark.

David

I just watched David Blaine try to hold his breath for nine minutes...it was very difficult to watch him...to see him suffering on live TV after it passed six minutes...I was covering my eyes and my heart was beating really fast. I think a little after 7 minutes he just couldn't take it anymore and the divers came in the tank to save him. People are cheering his name and he looks very upset.

He didn't succeed. And i'm glad. Its better for him that he didn't. Its good for him to know that his body and mind have limits. I can't even imagine what he'd have done next if this had worked out.

David, i wish you a long vacation in Tahiti...

I didn't know there was a word for it

Like Jason Toney and many others, I too have committed myspace-icide. His reasons are also my own:

"To me, the vast majority of people get at least 10% dumber when they get on myspace. They get obsessed with filling out silly surveys and constantly saying hi to each other and a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm already getting tired just thinking about. Maybe it's my old age of 31 but I just can't take it anymore."

Word.

Also, i missed my deadline by about 2 days but i did it. I sent off my financial information to the franchise that i'm interested in. I was sweating and worrying that they wouldn't accept me based on the sorry state of my dough. But two days later, the CEO called me back and wanted to keep the process going.

Wow. I can't even tell you how excited i was after that phone call. I let out a welp that i know other folks in my office heard but i don't care. I was on Cloud 9. I mean ok yeah i know it won't really be time to celebrate till i get the money to buy in but i gotta keep myself motivated. I need every small win to keep the self-doubt from creepin' in and fucking me up.

It's been a thing with me for a long time that i never finish anything i start. That i dream big and fall flat. And here i am again...embarking on something huge and life-changing and i really want to see it all the way thru this time...I have to.

Okay so the next step is I go to the home office of the company and meet the CEO and his staff. I will also get to review all of the financial information of the franchise and really be able to make an informed decision about whether it's something i can handle.

We can all do something

My 8-year old son wrote a letter to president last night:




I have two sons, and i talked with them last night about what's going on in Darfur. I mainly wanted them to understand that they are fortunate to be born into a life relatively free of suffering AND that its all of our responsibility as human beings to do our best to help others that are suffering. ESPECIALLY children.

I know that the answer to the world's problems is nowhere near as simple as my sons think it is...and besides that, there are so many issues that need our attention. How is one to choose? I mean i care about what's happening in Sudan and Uganda, the plight of the Sierra Leone diamond miners, the continuing war in Iraq, the destruction of our wildlife, i mean the list is too long...far too long. And let's be real here: there's only so much of my time and resources that i'm willing to commit. I'm not going to be joining Greenpeace anytime soon. That just isn't the path my life is on. Now that i think about it, if i'd had this level of social awareness when i was 22 years old, i just might have signed up.

But the whole point of this is just to say that no matter how little or how much time or money we have, every single one of us can help in some way. We can volunteer our time to worthy charities, donate money, attend rallies....anything. If you're reading this, please help.

tags: Darfur, children, Uganda, volunteering

Forget self-defense. Just do magic.

rom The Independent online:

Being a magician has its advantages, such as when David Copperfield made his wallet and mobile phone vanish into thin air after he and two female assistants were confronted by real-life armed robbers in Florida...He turned out his pockets, apparently empty - but in fact containing his wallet, passport and mobile phone. "Call it reverse pickpocketing," he told the Palm Beach Post.

I mean how cool is that? For me, just seeing David Copperfield's name in the news was surprise enough. Since i was a kid, he has always been my favorite magician. I'd be glued to the TV set whenever he had a special on. His deep-set, haunting eyes and intense voice were riveting, not to mention the amazing tricks he did. At one point, i actually wanted to become a magician. I used to check out magic books from the library and study them and attempt to perform the tricks.

But after a while, his popularity waned. Or maybe just the public's interest in 'magic' had worn off...until David Blaine came along.

but forget Blaine. I mean its nice to see a famous Puerto Rican* magician but he'll never be as cool as Copperfield.

*My man wanted me to say that David is Black instead of Puerto Rican but i was like "whatever..get your own blog"